For our third pregnancy we agonised over the need vs expense of a doula…
Our first son was born by misinformed elective caesarean. We had moved, pregnant, from the UK with dreams of a home waterbirth to find the general feeling amoungst our family, friends and society very much against this. Regrettably I begged for a caesarean when pregnancy became too much for me. It was not an easy birth or recovery and the ‘black dog’ paid us a visit. Our second son was born naturally… we researched widely, joined a VBAC support network, engaged the services of a doula and birthed vaginally. An exhilarating, soul changing, primitive journey and rite of passage. It healed us and restored our faith in how things could be.
So I pendulumed with the third. With our first doula unavailable I dithered. – Was the first birth really that bad? Did I really want another primitive soul moving birth? Maybe one was enough. Shamelessly, I sought an easier path and couldn’t decide what it would be. Then finally at 35 weeks I called Stephanie and she came for a chat. It felt so easy to be around her, it seemed so natural to have her with our family, and just like that our decision was made. It couldn’t hurt to have someone experienced on our side.
When I was 37 weeks and 4 days Steph came for our prenatal preparation meeting. We were surprised how much we had forgotten in the last three years about birth and pregnancy in general. It felt good to openly admit and discuss our trepidations and get our heads aligned with reality. The talk must have settled something for me as the following night my waters broke and from that moment on Steph became our rock in a shifting tide… 24 hours of no labour – will it ever happen?, what are my options?, and fear of induction were eased by her confidence, clarity and the meditation CD’s she had dropped off. Then followed a night of warm-up surges… Steph answered the phone whenever the intensity stepped up, but I still wanted to be on my own at home. Our conversations reassured me and centred me… I let hubby sleep and woke him in the early hours when things were getting too much for me, when I needed his warm hands on my back during the surges to help me breathe and accept them. We met Steph around 7am in hospital expecting another 24hour long-winded birth. Well we were wrong…
Our three incredible births are as different as our three individual and unique children… and we were fools to have thought we should do this without her. Why would you? ..Really? It was another intense, incredible, primitive life journey and we were blessed to have an experienced guide. Someone to cling to when I was afraid, someone to remind me I could do this. While the midwife came and went, Steph stayed with me. While my husband love me and cried with me and rode the waves as dizzyingly as I did, Steph just was. Her hands worked magic easing my pain even while I fought her verbally to let me give up. I heard ridiculous words from my mouth – “I can’t, I won’t, You don’t understand I DON’T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE” and her replies “but you are Kassy, and you’re doing it beautifully.” My husband was there for me always and loves me unconditionally but he is not impartial… and he does not have magic hands. Steph understood, she knew what I was going through, she respected me and heard me even when I didn’t know what I was saying myself.
My baby was born after on 4 hours, 15 minutes in hospital. Four hours of arguing with the midwife who wanted to send me home, who didn’t believe I was in labour. My soul still cries at the injustice of her claims even while I am eternally grateful Steph just kept massaging, speaking to me quietly and shielding me while I laboured. If I’d chosen to leave she have gone with me but she equally calmly respected my desire to stay. After spending the pregnancy psyching myself up for a drug-free labour, and hours briefing my husband on not to give me an epidural, the midwife’s attitude was implorable and her effect on my psyche a slap in the face… I begged for an epidural and swore I’d forgive them all for tearing up my birth plan. If this wasn’t labour then I was in hell – transition talk I now realise – I swore at anyone who offered me gas, I wanted the real thing!! I finally got my way, signed a form for a caesarean and my husband had his head in his hands trying to comprehend how he would cope. On my second puff of gas, waiting for the epidural, I told Steph I was pushing and the midwife was called back in… 15 minutes later I caught our baby girl. It was a fast-paced ride. It was exhausting. My husband and I were in shock and still our beautiful doula protected us.
Stephanie has a huge heart and arms so long they could keep anyone sage. We will always be thankful for her taking care of us. Really doula’s should be a compulsory part of birth. Unencumbered by hospital policy, experienced in this incredible journey, they are a guide very woman should conscript. …and our daughter Roxolana Stephanie, well she is utterly perfect in every way, ofcourse…
Kassy and Andy – 2016
